Subject: North Pole Stand-Off with BATF (fwd)
To: djmontgo@garnet.acns.fsu.edu, beyefree@aol.com,
        gkarasik@garnet.acns.fsu.edu, sperfec@garnet.acns.fsu.edu
Date: Thu, 21 Dec 1995 10:42:36 -0500 (EST)
Cc: rose@acns.fsu.edu
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> Message-Id: <199512211116.GAA38056@osceola.gate.net>
> Date: Thu, 21 Dec 1995 06:15:35 -0500
> Subject: North Pole Standoff with BATF
> 
> Dec. 23, 1994
> 
> A fierce battle ended in a stand-off today as a multi-jurisdictional
> task force of federal law enforcement agents tried to arrest the
> leader of a militant doomsday cult, who call themselves "Elves",
> living in a heavily fortified compound at the North pole.  According
> to witnesses, federal agents hid in livestock trailers as they drove
> up to the compound.
> 
> The approach was difficult in the snow using wheeled vehicles.
> Several agents were reportedly thrown from the trailer when it
> hit a snowbank.  The agents were unable to use dogteams and sleds
> because the BATF agents shot all the dogs during training at a
> nearby recreational facility where agents had practiced for weeks
> on a mock-up of the compound in preparation for the raid.
> 
> As three National Guard helicopters approached, over 100 law
> officers stormed the main compound, a heavily fortified gingerbread
> structure, throwing concussion grenades and screaming "Come out!"
> Cult members and law officers negotiated a cease-fire about 45
> minutes after the incident began.
> 
> For the next several hours, ambulances and helicopters swarmed
> the premises.  The area was cordoned off and BATF agents with machine
> guns were posted in the roadways to keep reporters at least two
> miles from the main battle area.
> 
> In a lengthy report on the group Saturday, The Northpole
> Tribune-Herald said that the cult was known to have a large arsenal
> of high-powered weapons, probably produced in a workshop disguised
> as a "toy factory".  This toy factory is also believed to be the
> sight of a mephamphetamine laboratory, according to sources inside
> the BATF.
> 
> The article quoted investigators as saying the crazed cult
> leader, who uses several aliases, "Santa Claus", "Saint Nick",
> "Sinterclaas", and "Saint Nicholas", age unknown, has abused
> children and claims to have at least 15 wives.  Santa Claus denies
> these accusations of abuse and said he has had only one wife, 
> Mrs. Santa Claus.
> 
> Authorities had a warrant to search the Northpole compound for
> guns and explosive devices and an arrest warrant for its leader,
> Santa Claus, said Mess Stanford of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and
> Firearms in Washington, DC.  Mr. Stanford added it would be useless
> to attempt to get a copy of this warrant, however, because it had
> been sealed, "for national security reasons".
> 
> The assault came one day after the Northpole Tribune-Herald
> began publishing a series on the cult, quoting former members as
> saying the deranged cult leader, Santa Claus, abused children and
> had at least 15 wives.
> 
> BATF spokesman Jack Killchildren in Washington said the assault had
> been planned for several weeks, although he added, "I think the
> newspaper's investigation set up heightened tension."
> 
> The cult's fortress, called "The Toy Factory", is dominated by a
> tower with lookout windows facing in all directions.  Guards
> reportedly patrol the 77-acre grounds at night.
> 
> Attorney General Janet Reno ordered the raid after cult members
> refused to surrender documents relating to national security.  A
> source inside the Justice Department said that the documents were
> lists of cabinet members and highly placed government officials who
> were naughty or nice.  Despite preliminary, secret negotiations to
> obtain the list, the Elves refused to surrender the document to the
> Justice Department.
> 
> The raid was scheduled for December 23, because December 25 is
> believed to be a traditional cult holiday and all the militant
> elves would be engaged in cult rituals in preparation for the event.
> 
> At a press conference this afternoon, Attorney General Reno said,
> "These militants abuse children in the most vile manner, by teaching
> them to expect charity.  They have even distributed free, working
> replicas of 'assault weapons' and 'handguns'.   It is a matter of
> dire importance to our future and the future of all our children,
> that this peril be ended by every means at our disposal."
> 
> She went on to say that "I do not want to surround the compound
> and shoot everyone and then burn it to the ground in order to
> prevent this child abuse from occurring again, but that appears to
> be our only alternative."
> 
> According to Reno, the "Toy Factory" itself is a sweatshop and
> conditions inside were horrendous.  The Department of Justice is
> also looking into allegations of animal cruelty.  Former members of
> the cult have claimed that Santa Claus frequently uses leather
> restraints on at least eight reindeer, housed in sordid conditions
> on the compound.  Witnesses reported seeing a reindeer with a
> protruding red nose, which Janet Reno said was further indication of
> the abusive conditions inside the compound.
> 
> Several of the elves were reported by the BATF to have been
> carrying automatic weapons.  However, independant sources dispute
> this, claiming that the "automatic weapons" were nothing more than
> large candy canes.
> 
> BATF leader Ted Oyster, shaken after the ordeal, spoke to
> reporters as hundreds of agents, many of them in tears, were taken
> away from the Northpole in military airlifts, ambulances, and
> private vehicles.
> 
> "We had our plan down, we had our diversion down, and they were
> waiting..." Oyster said resignedly, shaking his head.
> 
> A hospital spokesman said that most of the wounded BATF agents
> appeared to be suffering from shrapnel wounds from broken candy
> canes, as well as frostbite, apparently suffered from wearing
> forest-green camoflage in the wintery terrain.
> 
> Attorney General Reno offered no comment on these reports.
> 
> Mack "the knife" McWarty was seen strolling across the White House
> lawn, chuckling to himself as he read what inside sources say was
> a copy of the naughty/nice list.
> 
> One highly placed government official was found dead in Marcy
> Park.  His name and the cause of death are unknown at this time,
> however, the White House immediately issued a statement claiming the
> official had committed suicide after learning his name was not on
> the nice list.
> 
> Patsy Thomahawk refused to comment on the advice of her attorney
> on whether she had any part in removing copies of the naughty/nice
> list from a safe in the White House.
> 
> A spokesman from the MJTF said that it was indeed a tragedy
> that Santa Claus had caused this confrontation, but this should be a
> lesson to anyone who tries to give to everyone without permission
> from the welfare department, and that gathering sensitive data
> without a permit from official sources will be stopped by any means.
> 
> FBI spokesman Bob Pricks, the former national Abortion Poster Child
> of 1944, relayed that "We are dealing with a madman.  We have cut
> off all electricity, water, and communications to the compound.
> Santa Claus has demanded that we relay a message to the world. 
> It reads, 'Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.'  FBI
> psychological experts are presently analyzing the message, however,
> preliminary reports indicate this is an encrypted threat to invade
> the neighboring towns near the Northpole.  It may also be a doomsday
> message that the cult intends to commit suicide, like Jonestown."
> 
> Shortly after the raid, a smiling Reno was seen strolling through
> the pile of rubbish looking for anatomically correct Barbie dolls.
> She claimed that she was going to confiscate any that she found as
> "evidence" and that they were for a personal investigation that
> she was conducting.
> 
> Attorney General Reno also disclosed some information about plans
> to raid Mr. E. "Ster" Bunny sometime next spring.  According to
> the FBI's report on Mr. Bunny, he has been hording food all year.
> This is in direct violation of a secret Presidential Directive.
> "This ingratitude for everything that we have done will stop, even
> if it means raiding every house in the USA to enforce these new laws
> that were made to insure your freedom..." Reno said.
> 
> This, boys and girls, should make us all sleep just a little bit
> better tonight.  The government will protect us from overindulging
> in freedom.  If they didn't step in and take control of that
> "naughty/nice" list, just think what shape we might be in...
> 
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