THE PUN STARTS HERE ! So this guy walks into a Bar... A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "we don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says " Why? I'm a fun guy" ---------------------------------------- Buddhist and a Hot Dog Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? A: Make me one with everything. --------------------------------- The Biologist Problem Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, population was declining at an alarming rate. Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. "You mean...?" said Jim. "Yes," said Tom. "They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!" -------------------------------------------------- One-Liners Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. -------------------------------------- Tibetian housewife upon entering her smoke-filled kitchen: "Oh, my baking yak!" -------------------------------------- Elderly Female Car Buyer One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" "No son, I want this color." "But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about. The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!" ------------------------------ A Tycoon and his Pets A few years ago, there was a really eccentric oil tycoon who had taken it into his head to collect really strange and exotic pets. One day, deciding to add to his collection, he walked into the store of an exotic pet shop and said to the salesman , "Show me the most unusual pet you have in stock!" The salesman took him to an outside tank, in which a pod of dolphins were frolicking happily. "These may LOOK like ordinary dolphins," he told the man, "but these were given to us to sell by a genetics research group studying ways to genetically reduce aging in humans. It seems the experiment was a success on these little guys. They can't survive out in the wild anymore, they're too tame, but as long as they don't catch any severe debilitating diseases, they will live more or less forever." The man is impressed, and being the wealthy man that he is, drops the cash to buy the dolphins and have a suitable home for them installed in his backyard. The man became quite attached to his pets and took very good care of them, and they frolicked about in their tank happily for nearly fifteen years, much longer than any of his other pets had ever survived. The man spared no expense for their care, and seriously considered leaving his multi-million dollar estate to them in his will. But one day they began to seem a little droopy and not very energetic. Alarmed, the man rang for the vet, who told him that alas, his precious dolphins had contracted a rare icthyoid disease, and the only antibiotic for them had to be derived from the feathers of the blue savannah parrot that lived on the jungle fringes of Africa. The man didn't think twice. He called up his travel agent and booked the next day's flight to Africa, and rented a jeep and a guide and pack boy to help him bag some of these parrots. They drove up to the edge of the jungle, stopped the jeep and trudged into the trees on an old native hunting trail, nets in hand. After about six hours of this, they had bagged two of the parrots, and the man decided that would be enough feather to make enough antibiotic for his pets. So he trudges back out toward the jeep - and freezes. A huge, stately lion had decided to take a nap right in the middle of the path between him and the jeep. He looks over his shoulder and realizes that his companions have fled leaving him literally holding the bag, and the growth is too thick on either side of the trail to make it past without waking the lion. So he backs up about fifty feet, gets a running start, and leaps over the beast and makes a dash for the jeep and drives off for the airport. Just as he is nearing sight of the airport, he hears a siren and sees some flashing lights. He dutifully pulls over, and a policeman steps up to him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're under arrest - " The man interrupts him, "Oh, please, officer, I'll pay any fine at all! I need to get these parrots back so I can make a vaccine for my dolphins so they don't die!" "Well, sir," the policeman replies, "I'm afraid that's the root of the problem. I have to arrest you for taking mynahs over the stately lion for immortal porpoises." ------------------------------ The Dog and His Son One day a poppa dog had the job of looking after his young puppy while mommy went off shopping. He had his heart set on going to the dog show that day so asked his young son if he would like to go along. Of course that sounded exciting to the little puppy so he agreed. While there the poppa dog entered himself in the show. Lo and behold, he came away with the blue ribbon for 'best of show'. On the way home he suggested to his son that they stop by the local pub to celebrate with a beer or two. The puppy drank sodas while his father had several beers. When they got home poppa realized that they had left the ribbon on the bar. The puppy said, "You've had enough to drink already, Pop. I'll run back for it." When he climbed up onto the bar stool the bartender asked, "What'll you have young man?" The puppy replied, "I'LL HAVE PAP'S BLUE RIBBON, PLEASE!" ---------------------------- Raccoon Coats Back in the roaring 20's raccoon coats were the rage, especially among the college set in the ivy league schools. Just any raccoon coat wouldn't do. It had to be a full length duster almost reaching the floor to really be in style. John, a young man with a very rich but miserly father who was entering his freshman year at Harvard was surprised to learn when he moved into the dorm that he just couldn't fit in without a raccoon coat. He pleaded with his father that he just had to have a raccoon coat or would never make it at school. After several letters back and forth his father agreed to purchase a beautiful coat on one condition. The condition was that the coat must not be damaged in any way during the next four years. If there was any damage to the coat at all after four years the John would be disinherited and have to go find a job on his own. He would not be allowed to join the father in his very prosperous business. John quickly agreed to the conditions without thinking of the implications. The father bought the best raccoon coat money could buy, then had several members of his staff count the number of hairs on the coat. They found there were exactly 1,524,203 hairs. A second group of staff members recounted and confirmed there were 1,524,203 hairs. The coat was then carefully sealed in a package and sent off to Harvard with a note informing the John of the hair count. When John received the coat he was overjoyed that his ostracism by his fellow students was soon to end. Then he read the enclosed letter. He showed the coat to all his friend but was afraid to wear it under any circumstances for fear of damaging it in some manner. After everyone had seen the coat he resealed it in its box and placed it on the shelf in his closet. He often showed the coat to new friends but could never work up the courage to wear it until his senior year. Harvard was playing Yale for the conference championship in football. He bought 9 tickets to the game- 3 seats behind his, the seats to either side, and the three seats in front. He was going to be damned sure no one spilled drink or mustard on his beloved coat. He didn't enjoy the game at all because of his concern for his coat. Immediately after the game he returned the coat to the closet where it had been for three years after carefully spending several hours recounting the hairs. All 1,524,203 were intact but after such a tedious job he made a mistake. He didn't reseal the bag in which he had been storing the coat these many years. During the night a campus moth crawled under the door of the closet, fluttered up onto the box and crawled inside. He had a feast but being a small moth one hair was all his tiny stomach could hold. He emerged from the box, fluttered from the closet and flew up onto the light fixture to get warm and have a nap. The next day the hapless student decided to recheck the hair-count. It took him hours but when finished he knew he was in trouble. There were only 1,524,202 hairs. He wailed in despair at the top of his lungs. All his fraternity brothers came running into the room expecting the worst. John recounted the whole story about his fathers conditions and his impendingfate. In all the commotion the little moth asleep on the light fixture awakened. He listened to the story in amazement . As the whole story unfolded the moth became terribly sad- Have you ever seen a moth bawl? ---------------------------------------- The Two Ships There were two ships...one had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned! ------------------------------ Pirates ! Many years ago there was a small town that had several bakerys. One of these was run by the aunts of a man named Penn. He and his aunts baked the best pies in the state. Not only that, but they were also the least expensive. Now the other bakers could make equally delicious pies, but Penn always sold more, for no one could beat........ the 'pie rates of Penn's aunts'. ----------------- * Indian Puns The Chief of an Indian tribe was named 'Shortcake'. He was highly regarded by all the members of his tribe and when he died, all the braves took him out to the burial grounds. They were all standing around with shovels getting ready to dig his grave. Just then, his wife came running up shouting, "Wait! Wait! Squaw bury Shortcake!" ----------------------------------- Early in this century on a Seminole reservation, an Indian chief thought it was time that his son learned a trade, so he sent him away to a vocational school to become an electrician. Months later the son returned with his diploma. "Father, I am grateful for what you've done for me. Let me do something to repay you." "Well, son," the chief replied, "we have yet to put electric lights in our latrine, and sometimes we stumble around in there in the dark." The son was happy to oblige his father, and within a day or so, had installed lights in the latrine. Thus, he was the first to wire a head for a reservation! ------------------------------------------- There is an Indian tribe near here that has a problem: they can't sleep. It is a small tribe; only 500 members, but every one has insomnia. They are called the Indian-napless 500. ------------------------------------------- * Weevils Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. ------------------------------------------ * A Jungle Pun A lion was prancing through the jungle one day, roaring at the top of his voice for all to hear: "I am king of the jungle, for my mighty strength and lion-like prowess strikes fear into all other creatures!" An eagle lands on a nearby tree branch and says, "Not so fast, Leo buddy!" the eagle calls. "For it is *I* who is the rightful king of the jungle, as my wings enable me to attack from above, and my beak and talons rip my victims to shreds!" Whereupon a skunk walks calmly out of the trees. Approaching the ferocious feline and fearful flighted one, he meekly says, "You're BOTH wrong! Needing neither fight nor flight, I disable my would-be opponents most skillfully! Wanna sniff?" And the three animals engage in a heated argument over who is the rightful king of the jungle. While they argue, oblivious to their surroundings, a huge grizzly bear walks up and eats them all - hawk, lion, and stinker. ------------------------------------------- * The First Fart Pun... Sam wakes up and stretches, passes a bit of gas. It makes an unusual sound, sort of like "honda". Well, hummm, he says, and proceeds to the john; the event occurs again, this time it is definitely "honda". Proceeding to dress and go to work, he enters the crowded elevator and once again farts, with a clearly enunciated "Honda". This affliction repeats, with the frequency and volume both growing. By the time he arrives at his desk, the rest of the office has been treated to several "HONDA"'s. Deciding that there is definitely something wrong, Sam calls his doctor for advice, and is told to come on over. Arriving, he quickly is rushed ahead of the waiting room group, who were less than charmed by the repeated sounds of "HONDA!!!" "What can be the problem, doc?", he asks, raising his voice to be heard over the "!!HONDA!!" blasts. "Well," says the doc, "I seem to remember reading about this... very rare, you know." The doc shuffles through a big book of drug advertisements and a handful of articles. "Ah, yes, here it is. You must be seen by Doctor Yoshi, in Tokyo." "In Japan?" says Sam. "That seems a little "!!!!!HONDA!!!!" extreme." "Yes, but he is the only one who has experience treating this problem." Raising the window, the doc continues, "And I suggest you see him quickly. Shall I make an appointment?" "OK, I suppose I better get it treated '! ! H O N D A ! !'", says Sam, moving near the window and scattering several pigeons. The plane ride was actually rather pleasant, as Sam was moved to first class and everyone else moved to the back. The frequent sounds of ">>>>!!!!! H O N D A !!!!! "A dentist?" asked Sam? "What kind of joke is this?" Hearing Sam's arrival before he even entered the door, Dr. Yoshi appeared with the obligatory slippers in hand. "Hurry, Mr. Sam, you get fixed up quick like." Bending over to remove his shoes, Sam let fly the biggest "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HHOONNDDAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yet. Dr. Yoshi hurried him into the chair. A quick look into Sam's mouth, and Dr. Yoshi injected a bit of zylocane, got out the pliers and pulled a lower molar. Silence reigned supreme around the room. "My God, Dr. Yoshi! I'm Cured!", said Sam. "How did you ever connect the "HONDA" affliction with that tooth?" "Ah so," replied Dr. Yoshi. "Very old Nipponese saying". "You may even have similar phrase in English." "And what is that?", queries Sam. Says Dr. Yoshi, "Abscess Makes the Fart go Honda." ------------------------------------------- The Bus Driver Have you heard about the man who got the job driving the bus for Sesame Street? He was really looking forward to meeting all the Sesame St. characters, and so he was filled with great anticipation his first day on the job. As he stood outside the bus waiting for his riders to begin to arrive, the first person he saw approaching the bus was an *extremely* large woman. Before she boarded the bus, he asked her her name. Huffing and puffing from the exertion of walking, she replied, "My name is Patty." "Well, Patty, climb on board. We'll be leaving shortly." The next passenger, a man just as big as the woman, was wearing a large green suit. When asked his name by the new driver, he replied with a noticeable accent, "My name is Patrick...I'm Irish, you know. My friends all call me 'Patty'." "Patty, meet Patty. You two can get to know each other while I await several more passengers that I see coming." As the new driver stood there, he found himself thinking, "Where are Bert and Ernie???" The next passenger was a little retarded boy. "Hi, little boy. What's your name?" "My name is Ross, and my parents tell me I'm special." "Ross, I'm really glad to have a nice boy like you ride on my bus today. Climb on, and we'll leave in just a minute." The last person to approach the bus was a really strange looking man. "Hello, sir. What's your name?" In a surly manner he answered, "My name is Lester Creep!" For lack of anything better to say, he told him, "Lester, we're about to leave so please have a seat." Now the driver was really thinking, "I thought I was going to meet Big Bird and Cookie Monster!!!" As he was pulling away from the curb, he looked in his rear view mirror. Much to his horror, he saw Lester sitting there with his shoe off, picking at a bunion or something on his big toe. "Oh, gross!" he thought. "This is nothing like I thought it would be! No Bert, no Ernie! Just a bunch of weirdos!!!" He mulled it all over for a while, then suddenly he began to smile. He thought to himself, "Who would ever believe that, the first day on my new job I have two obese Patties, special Ross, and Lester Creep pickin' bunions on a Sesame Street Bus?!?!" ------------------------------------------------------ Smokin' Birds The coast guard recently stopped a boat off the California coast that was loaded with marijuana. There was so much of the stuff that they were in a quandry as to how to dispose of it. Finally they located a company on the nearby shore that had a huge kiln with a tall chimney rising high into the sky and they made a deal with the owners to burn the hemp. For a time all went well, but suddenly a flock of birds flew right through the smoke pouring out of the top of the stack. As it turned out, these were terns that were native to the area and were endangered. So naturally, the environmentalists had to followe them to see what had happened. And of course, they discovered that NO TERN WAS LEFT UNSTONED. ------------------------------------------------- The Thinker One day a planet is discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant is an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of granite. At first it is mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squats motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It has legs, but it never rises to walk on them. It has a mouth, but never eats or speaks. It has what appears to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a condominium, but the organ lies dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lives. This puzzles the hell out of the scientists, who try everything they can think of to get some sign of life from the behemoth--in vain. It just squats, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screams, "How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?" It happens that he's the first one to ask a direct question in the thing's presence. It rises with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, thinks for a second, booms, "IT COULDN'T, " and squats down again. "My god," exclaims the xenobiologist, "of course! It only stands to reason! --------------------------------------------------- From crerie@MIT.EDU Tue Jan 20 15:38 EST 1998 Date: Tue, 20 Jan 1998 15:42:35 -0400 From: Phyllis Crerie Subject: FW: Humor: Art Appreciation 101 >Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings >from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading >security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two >blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could >mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: > > >-- (brace yourself) -- > > > > > > > > >-- (this is going to hurt) -- > > > > > > > > >-- (really bad.) -- > > > > > > > > > >"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." >