Feedback for "Coming into Power".

OK, where do I start? This is a really long piece, I only saw 
one spelling mistake : "she likeD the way he used musical notes 
to..." the flyer piece. Ok, now we got that out of the way, 

I wil make a few remarks, but none of them are very important. 

I think you might expand some pieces, 

like for example tell us what kind of music they play,
give us a piece of the concert., 
and cut then from the dialogue. 

Also maybe you could vary the speaking introduction: 
she askes, she said, etc 
maybe better  she objected/remarked/whispered/wondered... 

Take care of not always strating your paragraphs with "Helen". 

I didn't get the Hat-joke, that's maybe my fault :D 
I don't know. 

Of course, I believe your chapter too is far from done, right? 

It's a really great concept, but I would like to see it worked 
out more, more information, more explanation, more background. 

From a structural point of view, I must say the story caught me 
immediately
and kept me glued to it until they got to the concert hall, 

that's because after talking about Melody and her space 
problems, you suddenly turn to a very different topic. 

The best thing to do to solve this problem, is for example 

to make more reference to their concert in the beginning, 

as to catch the reader's interest more. I didn't really get 

they were the ones who were going to perform either... 

so maybe expand that too a little.

Ok, that's about all the critic, nothing really substantial 

in my view, so now, up to the good part. I really, really 
LOVED it, i'm also a great fan of SF, I loved that you 
explained where her powers come from, and it's some kind 
of mystique, it's perfectly tuned to my taste :D I'm certainly 
not dissapointed, all my expectations were fulfilled, 
it's really very good, very structured, logical, readable, 
great sf in one word! Congratulations!




********************************************************

Mony
7/1/2008 11:23:42 PDT
Hey again,

First the good stuff: your main characters, especially Helen, 
are very likable, and this is a very important feature because 
readers need to like them! Logically :D Also, you can feel 
their friendship, which is pretty realistic. I also liked 
the setting, the "private beach", the angel of the community 
and the changing of the band name.
Ok, now I have much more observations than in your earlier 
chapters. You repeat your words, when it would be better to 
use reference words, eg Helen did. Helen said. -> Helen did, 
she said. To illustrate, in your first paragraph you use 3 
times the word ' beach" if I'm not mistaking. Try finding 
another words, or using the reference "it".
Also, you tend to put your "he said" in front of the citation, 
and it is usually preferable behind it in English (I think - 
it sounds better to me).
This chapter is a bit predictable (whereas the other ones were 
not at all) and Angela and Victor are not very credible 
characters, unless their marriage is bad, in which case you'll 
have to work that storyline out, but I don't know how important 
it is. But would you talk about your inability to drive a car 
when you're husband's just been knocked down by a wave?
Moreover, I see little follow-up between the chapters - I mean, 
of course, there are her super powers, and also it's very good 
you mentioned the astronauts again, but maybe there should be a 
little more reference to what happened before, more links.
The last remark I have is, we know too little about the 
characters. I mean, besides their being musicians and students. 
What do they do, except walking on the beach? They seem a bit 
"flat" as we say in literary theory. Maybe that's your point, 
to make stereotypes, in which case you can ignore this 
comment :D But it seems to me, that you're balancing between 
two genres, the novel vs the action story. The novel requires 
more depth, you can without any problem tell the story of 
coming into power in a novel, but you'll need to make your 
characters more "round", tell us a little more about them.
Hope you don't mind my frankness!
I'm looking forward to reading the rest,

Greetings,

Mony